Monday, March 8, 2010

Reality Bites

It's finally hitting me (and hitting pretty hard) that there is going to be something wrong with Noah. We can "fix" all we can but it's never going to be enough.

I'm running out of excuses for why he isn't doing things.

First, it was being premature. But being premature doesn't necessarily keep you from developing and doing typical baby things. Second, it was the SCT and surgeries but there are many kids with SCT resections and they are just fine. Third, it was reflux. We couldn't work him hard enough and position him correctly to do all the therapy he needed because he always threw up. Last, it was seizures. The electrical storms constantly firing in his head kept him from learning or retaining new information.

So we went down the checklist of ailments and managed them to the best of our ability. Tonight I find myself sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out for the life of my why my little boy won't smile or reach for a toy or acknowledge me or miss me when I walk away or cry when he's hungry or love me back in a way I recognize. And the reality of our situation is slowly sinking in like a knife being pushed into my heart.

Because as of now, he just ran out of excuses of why he can't. So, why won't he?


  1. I have no words... Except that I am sorry that you are feeling this way today.

  2. There will be more struggles and lots and lots more celebrations. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. And things will change and get better. Especially when we get to hug and kiss you! Hang in there girl

  3. I have this memory of yours & Todd's "song" being 'Patience' by GNR...I guess at some point, we start to run pretty low on that. If Patience is a gift, re-gift yourselves. As Sandy says, there will be more celebrations. We all love you all very dearly.

  4. Can't wait to see you! Counting the days Love Ya! Sis

  5. Tricia - you are the most amazing mommy. I just want July to get here so we can all be together again.
    Love you,
    Cindy and Hans

  6. Maybe there will always be something 'wrong' with Noah, but there will always be something right with him too. You fell in love with him and he will always be your son and the love of your life.
    Hugs, Jodi