Saturday, December 5, 2009

Rugs being yanked and other feet dropping...

Well, I got a taste of the good life, but it was fleeting.  

Noah is back to spitting up like crazy and having seizures regularly.  It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and hide.  It's so much harder to deal when I get a glimpse of an almost normal life and then it's ripped away.

It's almost like God is laughing at us.  Teasing us.  

"Here, let me show you a bit of happiness, fewer seizures, and a baby who eats well.  Poof!  I'm taking it away!"  Ha ha ha!

I'm not seeing his sense of humor apparently.  I'm taking it very personally and obviously I'm in a bad head space.

I thought things were going to get better and actually stay that way.  I was sorely mistaken.  

My parents have left which also doesn't help my attitude.  It was amazing to have them here and painful to watch them leave.  

In the past week two families have lost a child.  Both are weighing very heavily on my heart.  I have feared losing my child since our 20 week ultrasound, through three major surgeries, and a seizure disorder. Losing Noah is always in the back of my mind.  So when I hear about someone else losing their child I have to wonder what makes me so special that I get to keep mine, hug him, love him, and kiss him for another day?

And knowing all of this makes it harder to deal with my feelings. I have such guilt.  I should appreciate what I have (I know this).  I may have a spitting up, seizing baby who doesn't respond to me but at least I have my baby.  And I AM grateful for Noah, that he's healthy (in the cold and flu season sense), and my family.  I really am, but I want more. 

I'm sick of "at least" always being in my sentences.  I'm sick of people looking at my life and appreciating theirs MORE.  

I just want my son to get better and it's not happening.  


  1. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Keep doing what your doing--it is still "newish". I miss you guys and wish I could do SOMETHING for you. Love Bunches,Stacy

  2. It sucks to be in this place emotionally. I wish I had more words than that...Prayers, for you, and your sweet Noah.

  3. Love you honey. Keep keeping on, you are good at it. Give us all your words, we will take them, hard as they are to read. Still have my fingers crossed for diet to kick in. hugs

  4. I found your blog yesterday through your mention of the keto diet, which my daughter has been on for a year now.

    I wish things were going better for you and Noah right now. Don't beat yourself up if you can't feel grateful for what you have every minute. Yes, you have your son, but you also have a huge burden to carry in his seizures. Just because someone else *seems* to have a heavier load, does not make our own burdens lighter.

    It took us much longer than three months to get the most out of the diet. In fact, just last month we moved up to a 5:1 ratio (no that's not a typo!) so even after a year, it's a constant re-evaluation. I pray that you can find a way back to those easier days you saw just a short time ago.