Monday, September 21, 2009

...but mine's broken!

So you ask how much can one person complain? 

Enough already!  

That's the nice thing about a blog.  It's pretty one sided.  No one to say "buck up! It could be worse"  (well, not out loud anyway).                                                                                                      

Buyer beware! 

No puppies or rainbows here today.

I have this new fear.  Like I really needed another.  But I fear I've become this mother who can't see the truth about her child.  That parent we all make faces behind their backs after they've told you how "gifted" their child is or how "talented" they are. 

Yeah right you idiot!  Go on believing that one and I'll show you that pot of gold at the end of the next rainbow and those jeans don't make your butt look fat!

(I tried to warn you)

You have to understand that Noah isn't getting better.  It's breaking my ever loving heart. There's no sign of recognition, grabbing of fingers or toys, smiling, cooing, reaching, rolling (or even a pathetic attempt).  There's nothing.  Just a blank stare.  A painful, horrifying, alarming, unemotional blank stare.  God what I'd give for just a hint that he was in there.  I think I see it occasionally but I'm beginning to think I want it so badly I make it up in my head.   

So, I've become THAT parent.  Who so stupidly believes that one day I'm going to wake up to a child that finally shows a sign of love.  A sign that he's processing something. Anything.  But as the days and nights go by I have to wonder if it's ever going to happen.  Will he ever know me?  Will he ever know how much I love him?  

I try to believe I love enough for the both of us and someday it'll click.  


  1. He knows you love him Tricia. He will always know. You know we all show it differently. He couldn't have a more dedicated loving mother. I would never been able to be so "strong". I wish I could be there to give you a big hug or something--anything! I know it doesn't do any good to say hang in there, but you are doing EVERYTHING you can do. It is snowing here already. I love you, Stacy

  2. Don't stop believing! Keep the faith. sometimes faith is all we have, and sometimes it can move mountains. Don't ever stop being that kind of mom that is as strong as concrete. Noah needs you to believe in him. Sing this Journey song all day: "Don't stop believing." Love you honey

  3. Sweetie, when I read this I can feel your heart breaking. I know how hard being a mom can be, and it is that connection, those little moments when I see the love and sparkle in my children's eyes that keeps me keeping on. I totally understand what you are searching for, wanting so badly. You have to know that deep inside, he feels your love, even if he can't reach back to you right now. Keep believing in Noah, and keep believing in yourself. I love you.