That's the nice thing about a blog. It's pretty one sided. No one to say "buck up! It could be worse" (well, not out loud anyway).
No puppies or rainbows here today.
I have this new fear. Like I really needed another. But I fear I've become this mother who can't see the truth about her child. That parent we all make faces behind their backs after they've told you how "gifted" their child is or how "talented" they are.
Yeah right you idiot! Go on believing that one and I'll show you that pot of gold at the end of the next rainbow and those jeans don't make your butt look fat!
(I tried to warn you)
You have to understand that Noah isn't getting better. It's breaking my ever loving heart. There's no sign of recognition, grabbing of fingers or toys, smiling, cooing, reaching, rolling (or even a pathetic attempt). There's nothing. Just a blank stare. A painful, horrifying, alarming, unemotional blank stare. God what I'd give for just a hint that he was in there. I think I see it occasionally but I'm beginning to think I want it so badly I make it up in my head.
So, I've become THAT parent. Who so stupidly believes that one day I'm going to wake up to a child that finally shows a sign of love. A sign that he's processing something. Anything. But as the days and nights go by I have to wonder if it's ever going to happen. Will he ever know me? Will he ever know how much I love him?
I try to believe I love enough for the both of us and someday it'll click.